2013 has been labeled my year of testing....I do not regret the pain or the heartache, but I do regret my stubbornness to ask for Him when I was in my deepest pain...He never gave up on me this year. I was hopelessly wandering, confused and hurt. This being one of the biggest reasons I haven't been writing on here... My brain and heart were arguing for several months and I was letting them without being the referee!! Not a wise choice-especially when I tried to do it in my own strength!
The Lord has been teaching me so much in these last few months leading into the New year, He's still teaching me-don't get me wrong:) But my goals have been given a vision, my sight has been cleared, and although I am still in the training grounds-trust and love have slowly begun to build themselves in my life.
I think that's one of the biggest things He has taught me in the last year...to love and trust....again, let me explain. Growing up I was known as the girl with the heart on her sleeve, I love to love! (no I'm not talking about guys here!:) I'm talking about life, people, and most importantly-my family.
But this past year God gave me a new test: Would I allow someone into my inner sanctuary of my heart and trust them to love me the way He has loved me?
I entered a relationship, and soon found out that my inner sanctuary was not ready to be opened-I was not ready to love and trust in that special way. But through the relationship my walls were bruised and a battleground ensued... When we ended the relationship I felt immense relief-but at the same time like a wrecking ball had come in and destroyed my carefully constructed walls of safety.
I didn't know how to trust anymore, I was hesitant to ever let myself show any love towards friends and family for fear that as I was picking up the pieces to my wall they might knock it down and put a
brick of love there instead of the lead and iron I wanted to put up so that I could never get hurt again.
And since love and trust had been my area of strength and power all through the years of growing up-I felt stripped and raw and immediately started my search to find a plug to keep my emotions at bay.
"In our own injury we seek to fill that hole with our own water instead of Living Water.
What's the water? It can be other people, stuff, experiences, busy schedules....
Momentarily our hole fills-only to leak out again.
We believe somehow, in our own effort, we can heal ourselves, fix ourselves, put our Humpty Dumpty selves back together. But we can't. Ever. That's why we're tired."
Mary E. DeMuth
Mary E. DeMuth
I am not an emotional girl, I don't do the; 'read into everything', 'hold onto issues' bit. My Dad took me under his wing when I was little and taught me how to let things go-life is too short for anger and strife.
So I was gasping for air. Emotions were flooding me and I felt like I was drowning. I was clinging to God, but I didn't want help-I just wanted to be held and to never face mankind again-it was SO much simpler that way!!
But then He started to pry my hands away from Him and show me that life doesn't stop just because pain is present, its my training ground...so start exercising..
"Leave the irreparable past in His hands,
and step out into the irresistible future with Him."
Oswald Chambers
God began to show me, in little steps-I was not just made of His love-He had given me other talents and other defining traits that I didn't want to recognize. It was nice living the life as the girl who was always known for her love...but that wasn't supposed to be my identity!!
His patience with me and taking me through the tunnel this past year has changed me. I suppose the saying that "when you come through a trial you are never the same person" stands very clear to me right now.
Love has once again been reinstated towards my family and friends and trust is building slowly. That's my journey right now, and a journey I am excited to take!
So, with the start of 2014 it is a 365 day book of my life, each day has a purpose that can change in an instant if my eyes don't stay fixed on the Master Writer. I am excited for His plans and I'm back to blogging, I can't wait to share more as He teaches me!
Dear Miss Cassie,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for stopping by my blog for a visit...it was so good to hear from you again! I'm so sorry that you have gone through such a painful experience, dearheart...this life is often not an easy road...and, since we are all human, we often hurt each other...even when we try not to. What a blessing to know that God is with us...that He knows our hearts...and our sorrows...and comforts us in ways that no one else could ever do. I am praying that this year will be a year of growth for you, dear one...that you will find strength in His love and His Word.
Sweet blessings,
Mrs. Laura
Thank you so much for your encouragement Mrs. Laura! And you're right, God is always with us, always ready to hold us and help us....we just need to turn and see Him rather than looking only at our problems. Praying for you and your family!
DeleteGod Bless!
Love, Cassie
Hey there, Miss Northern Belle :) I found your blog through hopping around i have no idea how long ago, saw the amazing worth God was giving you to pour into it and followed it and haven't been by since. Then you posted this recently, and I "re-discovered" you.
ReplyDeleteWow.
oh.
my.
soul.
I didn't go through a relationship, but every gut-wrenching confession you made in this post resonates with my soul.
2013 was the worst year of my life. and 2012 is pretty close as runner up. :( The last TWO years have been ones of extreme trial and testing for me.
And they've HURT.
I wish I could say that I've been given vision. Mine has been stripped away and sometimes, while in my head I know better, my heart could CARE LESS. :( :( :(
I am struggling to trust too. but to trust JESUS anymore :( I used to have a wonderful intimate walk with Him, by His grace alone, but now... I'm scared.
I really enjoyed this post and thank you for it. Makes me feel better I guess knowing I'm not the only one whose entire year has been an emotional roller-coaster. (whether we want it to be or not)
Thank you.
for being raw and honest.
<3
Lord willing, I will be around a bit more :)
Hello His Princess Warrior:) You have no idea how much you've encouraged me<3 I'm so sorry for the pain you've had during your trials for the past two years!:(
ReplyDeleteBeing 'stripped raw' is such a painful process, and I want so badly to see the helicopter view to know how things will turn out!
Learning to trust again is SO hard! Many people didn't understand why I had to 'learn' to trust again, but I found that it was more painful pushing away the people that I loved (and God)...than actually taking the steps to talk and trust them...
And I know what you mean, our head has the knowledge of how to rectify the situation-but our heart is quaking and closing every available door...putting out the "Closed until further notice" and "Busy" signal ringing off the hook!!
Hey, two books that really started to pull me out are called
"Get Lost" By Dannah Gresh
And
"Graceful" By Emily P. Freeman
I'll be praying for you as we continue to navigate the roller coaster...God has the pen to our story-and as much as I want to grab the pen, the book, and the desk beneath it!!:} I have to trust that He has it perfectly written to teach me something more important for the years to come.
Thank you again for the encouragement...I tried writing this post last July and couldn't do anything but hit the DELETE button because my heart was not right...so it has taken me this long-but His work is worth it!!
Hope to see you around here again and I'll be praying for my fellow boat partner on this river of trials (and He will bring us up on the bank!!!)
<3<3
Sweet Northern Belle,
DeleteI came across a verse this past week as I was reading my Bible, and it reminded me of you, your sweet words of encouragement to me, and our ‘comment-conversation’ here, and I jut wanted to share it with you!
“But let all those that put their trust in Thee REJOICE: let them ever SHOUT for JOY, because Thou defendest them: let them also that love Thy name be JOYFUL in THEE.” Psalm 5:11
Because of all the “stripping raw” (as you called it) I (we) am struggling to trust God again. There’s actual FEAR there. IRRATIONAL fear, but fear none the less. But! This verse puts a new and different spin on my (our) view of trusting God. Trusting God may equal His protection. It says “let them that put their trust in {Him} REJOICE & EVER SHOUT 4 JOY” because He defends them!
We just need to LOVE GOD and BE JOYFUL in Him day by day!
I hope this encourages you as it encouraged me!
Also, THANK YOU for your precious words of encouragement! I have heard a little about Gresh’s Get Lost… perhaps I should check it and the other book out more as well (I think another acquaintance recommended another book by Emily Freeman to me actually!) J
((HUGS TIGHTLY)) Thank you so much, sweet sis!!!! Your words were such a blessing. <3<3<3<3<3<3
That is the key!!! And so encouraging! Thank you!<3 To blend joy and trust together is imperative in order for us to get anywhere in the healing process...and I never thought them as 'joint partners' so to speak, and you're right-you can't done without the other<3 HUGS TIGHTLY BACK<3 thank you!! And still praying:}
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