2013 has been labeled my year of testing....I do not regret the pain or the heartache, but I do regret my stubbornness to ask for Him when I was in my deepest pain...He never gave up on me this year. I was hopelessly wandering, confused and hurt. This being one of the biggest reasons I haven't been writing on here... My brain and heart were arguing for several months and I was letting them without being the referee!! Not a wise choice-especially when I tried to do it in my own strength!
The Lord has been teaching me so much in these last few months leading into the New year, He's still teaching me-don't get me wrong:) But my goals have been given a vision, my sight has been cleared, and although I am still in the training grounds-trust and love have slowly begun to build themselves in my life.
I think that's one of the biggest things He has taught me in the last year...to love and trust....again, let me explain. Growing up I was known as the girl with the heart on her sleeve, I love to love! (no I'm not talking about guys here!:) I'm talking about life, people, and most importantly-my family.
But this past year God gave me a new test: Would I allow someone into my inner sanctuary of my heart and trust them to love me the way He has loved me?
I entered a relationship, and soon found out that my inner sanctuary was not ready to be opened-I was not ready to love and trust in that special way. But through the relationship my walls were bruised and a battleground ensued... When we ended the relationship I felt immense relief-but at the same time like a wrecking ball had come in and destroyed my carefully constructed walls of safety.
I didn't know how to trust anymore, I was hesitant to ever let myself show any love towards friends and family for fear that as I was picking up the pieces to my wall they might knock it down and put a
brick of love there instead of the lead and iron I wanted to put up so that I could never get hurt again.
And since love and trust had been my area of strength and power all through the years of growing up-I felt stripped and raw and immediately started my search to find a plug to keep my emotions at bay.
"In our own injury we seek to fill that hole with our own water instead of Living Water.
What's the water? It can be other people, stuff, experiences, busy schedules....
Momentarily our hole fills-only to leak out again.
We believe somehow, in our own effort, we can heal ourselves, fix ourselves, put our Humpty Dumpty selves back together. But we can't. Ever. That's why we're tired."
Mary E. DeMuth
Mary E. DeMuth
I am not an emotional girl, I don't do the; 'read into everything', 'hold onto issues' bit. My Dad took me under his wing when I was little and taught me how to let things go-life is too short for anger and strife.
So I was gasping for air. Emotions were flooding me and I felt like I was drowning. I was clinging to God, but I didn't want help-I just wanted to be held and to never face mankind again-it was SO much simpler that way!!
But then He started to pry my hands away from Him and show me that life doesn't stop just because pain is present, its my training ground...so start exercising..
"Leave the irreparable past in His hands,
and step out into the irresistible future with Him."
Oswald Chambers
God began to show me, in little steps-I was not just made of His love-He had given me other talents and other defining traits that I didn't want to recognize. It was nice living the life as the girl who was always known for her love...but that wasn't supposed to be my identity!!
His patience with me and taking me through the tunnel this past year has changed me. I suppose the saying that "when you come through a trial you are never the same person" stands very clear to me right now.
Love has once again been reinstated towards my family and friends and trust is building slowly. That's my journey right now, and a journey I am excited to take!
So, with the start of 2014 it is a 365 day book of my life, each day has a purpose that can change in an instant if my eyes don't stay fixed on the Master Writer. I am excited for His plans and I'm back to blogging, I can't wait to share more as He teaches me!
